R.J. Morgan
Guest Columnist
With every summer a young man spends in Mississippi, the threat of Hell holds less and less sway.
Eternal fire and damnation just aren’t that compelling after 6 months in Oktibbeha County under similar conditions.
Having grown up in this state and lived here for the entirety of my life, heat is just something that comes naturally. It’s as dependable as the changing of seasons that I’ve read occur in other parts of the country.
And the humidity! It is not uncommon in the South to see – on a July day such as this one when the air is so thick with humidity it can cause choking – young children and the elderly wandering around outside with sweat just streaming from the edges of their diapers.
When Martin Luther King, Jr. described Mississippi as a state that was, “sweltering from the heat of injustice and oppression,” he failed to mention that it was also sweltering from the heat of… heat.
Naturally people of my demographic suffer the heaviest burden during these brutally hot times. The weather takes a toll on us as a people and grinds the weaker of our number to a halt. What’s worse, no government or media outlet seems to be sympathetic to our plight.
I’m referring of course to the Plus-Size population.
Fit people have no idea the effort level involved in mobilizing 350 pounds of mass to get up off the couch and go mow the lawn in 102-degree heat. Or what it takes just to trudge to the mailbox. Or move to the other end of the couch.
I thought when Mississippi elected Haley Barbour as governor, there might be relief on the way for “people of size.”
Surely the fattest governor of the fattest state would pander to his base? Moving sidewalks anyone? Fried Twinkie Week?
But no.
What does Barbour do? He launches “Let’s Go Walking, Mississippi.”
WALKING?!?! I certainly don’t see The Guv making laps around the Capitol on his lunch hour. No, he’s safely inside, being wheeled from meeting to meeting by his handlers in a tobacco-lined wheelbarrow with a full bar attached to one side.
It’s tantamount to party-swapping, so far as I can tell.
There are many things a person might do to escape the Mississippi heat. You could go sample the heat in Alabama or Texas, for one. My friends in the city tell me the New York heat is nice right now. Or, If you’re looking for prestige and have no problem with little things like loyalty or morals, I hear lots of people are heading to the Miami Heat these days.
Personally I have chosen to join a gym.
I visit it almost every day. I don’t actually exercise, but I do like to hang out there. See I had my cable cut off because it was too expensive. So for half what I was paying the cable company, I bought a gym membership and now get all the free cable, air conditioning, and tap water I want.
Management’s decision to clutter up the place with exercise equipment is an ill-advised choice of décor, in my opinion, but I manage to work my way around it.
Most of the televisions are connected to the fronts on the treadmills, which can be a bit tricky, but I just pull a reclining weight bench up onto one of the belts so I can watch my shows from a seated and comfortable position.
I get several glares from sweaty strangers when there’s a King of Queens marathon on, but most people are pretty accepting.
Most people.
There was this one old man in a brand new diaper who told me to, “Go to hell!” when I refused to give him my machine.
I just turned up the volume on my headphones and politely told him “I’m already there, that’s why I’m here.”
R.J. Morgan is a teacher and journalist in Starkville. He writes regularly online for www.thefriendlyfire.info, and all his humor columns are archived on www.rjmorgan.com.
His column does not reflect the views of Starkville-Now.com.
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